As vast and dramatic change sweeps the entire planet, one of the most noticeable and impactful is the shift in our personal relationships. This is true for all types of relationships with friends, family, co-workers and the community. One of the biggest transformational journeys we can embark on during this time is within our intimate relationships.
Everything is up for review – how we relate to ourselves, each other, the planet and all Political, Religious, Financial and Educational systems. Most of us are born into this world to parents who weren’t aware of the wounds of their respective inner children, so they did not know they could embark on a path of emotional and psychological healing. This meant they unconsciously projected their negative expectations onto each other, recreating and exacerbating the wounds they received in childhood. Our expectations of partnership are anchored through observing our parental role-models, so we learned by witnessing the cold wars, blame games, sarcasm, criticism, competition and resentment that in some cases escalate to a bitter divorce.
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
Why Relationships are Evolving or Dissolving
Increased cosmic frequencies are intensifying energetic differences, causing many individuals to feel a strong desire to make a major change. It may be looking for a different job, ending a relationship or starting one, pursuing a new field of study, or relocating to an entirely new area. When it comes to our closest partnerships, most people seek out a relationship primarily for comfort. They are mainly concerned with aspects of their material lives. Until now, only a minority saw a relationship as a way to go beyond the world of material comforts. As the vibration of our Earth continues to rise, all of our relationships are going through an immense process of being re-worked. We are the transitional generation. The old paradigms have been thrown out and we’re rewriting the script. The guidelines that worked (sort of) for our family definitely don’t work now. So, we are the pioneers. We are on our own to find within ourselves, the truth of what makes our lives worthwhile.
One thing is clear: commitment can no longer just be about surviving together. A committed partnership must now evolve into a process of flourishing together. Couples now are looking to be fulfilled through the process of relating. Our Ego-Mind included energies of dependency, security, seeking and other imbalances that become the reasons our relationships will no longer work. New Earth Relationships are an evolution through a new type of love that comes forth as we awaken. A relationship means you are balancing the need for individuality and the desire to operate effectively as a team. That creates a conundrum in itself for just you. Now toss in another person with the same conundrum in to the mix and you have the prime opportunity for spiritual growth in integrity…or the apocalypse. You get to decide which one you want.
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
Acknowledging the Cost of Unconscious Relating
Given that we have been blindly navigating the terrain of relationships without the guidance of ancient wisdom to steer our ships, the majority of modern day relationships have not matured past the stage of falling in love with a projected ideal. We feel ‘in love’ with our own unexpressed aspects, which we project externally onto another person. This means we feel incomplete without them, hence the old relationship paradigm term: ‘my other half’.
This relationship model is known as co-dependency, a dynamic where we rely upon ‘the other’ to do that which we think we are unable to do for ourselves. Understandably, this status quo eventually creates feelings of neediness, disempowerment, suffocation and resentment until we individuate from the other in order to grow into a fuller version of ourselves. If we don’t use this time on our own to learn and grow our self-love, we simply fall in love again with our projection of the perfect partner and then reject them when we realise they too are human and incomplete.
We live in a culture that spends huge money on weddings, divorces and also invests considerable time and money on dating and matchmaking services. By contrast, very little if anything at all is spent on relationship education. Despite the investment, and possible losses at stake, most couples only invest in their relationship as a last ditch attempt to save it with private counselling services. Singles focus more on trying to secure a mate than reflecting on what they learned from their previous relationship breakdown so they can acquire the skills necessary for their future relationships to thrive.
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
3 Phases of Unconscious Partnerships
Unconscious relationships occur when we operate on default; governed by the programming we received growing up. They have three distinct phases:
- The Honeymoon Phase.
During the honeymoon phase, we fall in love with our opposite (disowned self), externally in someone else. Our euphoria is fuelled by the expectation they can save us from the suffering we have unconsciously created for ourselves. This is when we revert back to ‘baby speak’, taking it in turns to soothe and parent each other’s wounded inner child in exchange for affection, reassurance and the perception of emotional security. At this stage of relating, we unconsciously try to get from our partner what we feel we didn’t get from our parents.
During the polarisation phase, we lean on each other’s strengths to the point where we completely avoid doing those activities we don’t feel confident doing. To disguise our growing sense of disempowerment, we start to develop a sense of superiority about the tasks we are good at. This leads us to minimise and judge the tasks our partner does, so resentment grows and the passion dies. The relationship turns toxic when we don’t appreciate and respect one another, and we end up bickering like siblings. This dynamic creates unconscious competition with each other, undermining any effort to co-create something lasting and sustainable. For example, both parties putting each other down (either directly or indirectly to their friends or shared children) to bolster their sense of self-worth.
- Rejection to Reclaim Personal Power.
When we become so polarised that we feel righteous and superior towards our partner, we enter into Phase 3. To avoid taking responsibility for our own imbalance, we blame our opposite for sabotaging our happiness, and then break away in order to reassert our sense of authority over our own life. Statistics show that women are usually the first to leave. Not because they don’t love their partner but because they don’t know any other way to end the destructive dance of polarisation and conflict. This stage can be frightening when we love our partner, but feel we are betraying our own values by staying with them. This stage is inevitable if we value truth and recognise something needs to change, if we are to grow. Rest assured, if you are currently in this place of needing your relationship dynamic to change…you are ready to enter the new paradigm of Divine Union.
“I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother.”
Understanding the Past So We Don’t Recreate It
As part of our personal preparation for adult relationships we need to consider and understand the wounds we received in childhood, so we don’t ‘act out’ our unresolved negative expectations from our family. It is our unconscious words and behaviours that wound our partner and children, eroding trust and harmony. We may not be completely healed before attempting intimacy with another. However, a relationship is the ideal forum for helping bring our unhealed wounds to light. The new paradigm views relationship as the path of mutual growth and healing.
The more self-aware we become, the more we can identify our triggers, making us less likely to project our past wounds onto our partner. It all starts with self-awareness. It is self-awareness that minimises our potential for conflict and drama. If we learn practices to diffuse triggers and conflict and honour each other’s needs mutually, the relationship becomes a potent vehicle for transformation. Relationships are incubators for growth. Ruptures in relationship are natural and necessary for the evolution of the partnership and each individual. Each breakdown is an opportunity to breakthrough to a new level of loving one another, and loving yourself.
New Earth partnerships are built upon the foundation of our inner union with all the aspects of our psyche or soul. To have a soul mate partnership requires we unveil all aspects of our soul. Families are built upon the scaffolding of our primary relationships, so we need to spend time and energy investing in our relationship with ourselves and maintain attention to our primary partnerships, especially after the added pressure of children. Without a strong foundation and structure, it stands to reason that so many relationships buckle under the external pressures of life. So, accessing relationship resources and support is imperative if we are to create healthy partnerships, not just as a final act in the drama before lawyers are called.
“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.”
How Gender Imbalance Undermines Partnerships
We are all made up of feminine and masculine energy, so we will always attract someone who complements our energy. If you don’t like the type of people you’re attracting, seek to heal your inner gender imbalance. Opposites attract, just like magnets. The masculine pole is positive and the feminine pole is negative. The more we are polarised in one gender expression, the more intense the attraction will be, but with that comes a susceptibility for intense conflict. When we heal both genders within us, the spark of attraction is there, without the conflict, as we lead with our foundation gender in a really positive way. It’s all a matter of balance. Here is a thumbprint of how both genders, when disempowered, impact on the quality of our relationships.
A Disempowered Masculine
- A partner who never makes a decision but instead always defers to the other, avoiding responsibility.
- A partner who has not found their life purpose.
- A partner who just adheres to the status quo rather than asserting their own thoughts, opinions and ideas.
- A partner who still worries about their father’s opinion of them, or focuses on trying to get the approval or recognition of their worth from others.
- A partner who has trouble standing up for themselves.
- A partner who is disorganised, messy and unreliable.
A Disempowered Feminine
- A partner who needs to be in control.
- A partner who constantly analyses and criticises others, undermining the efforts of others.
- A partner who always needs to be right.
- A partner who disassociates to avoid feeling.
- A partner who is obsessed with doing, and finds it hard to stop, relax and just ‘be’.
- A partner who can be rigid about adhering to rules, structures and routines.
“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.”
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Before we can enter a dance of conscious partnership with another, we must first develop a strong sense of selfhood. This individuation stage is necessary if we are to grow beyond co-dependency. Independence enables us to consider what life would be like without ‘the other’ so we can consciously choose to be with them from a place of empowered sovereignty, rather than need. Unless we first commit to ourselves and our own values, we cannot truly commit to someone else.
The key to discerning whether your current relationship is spiralling your energy lower or higher is to observe whether your self-care increases or decreases when you are in partnership with this person. Everything is a mirror, so if you are being honoured externally in a loving way, you will treat yourself accordingly, whereas if you are not being honoured, you will start to make an increasing number of self-dishonouring choices. For instance, your diet may become less nutritious, you may take up a toxic habit, you may stop seeing your friends, or spend less time doing a hobby you love.
The way to summon all your energy back, so you have the strength to leave this kind of love addiction scenario, is to reclaim all the activities that are self-honouring and fill you with joy, as well as routines that restore you to optimal health. We often choose partners who feel like home. If we grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic, we will attract a mate with whom we can recreate similar dynamics. The intensity we feel with them is often due to the unresolved issues they trigger within us. So, leaving this dynamic is akin to our inner child making the conscious decision to up and leave home.
When we find ourselves at a crossroads in a relationship, contemplating the question, ‘Should I stay or should I go,’ it signals we are ready to embrace relationship as a path to spiritual growth. This is because we have grown beyond the illusion of unconsciously expecting someone else to be our saviour. In order to have a conscious relationship with another, we must first have a conscious relationship with ourselves (self-awareness). Without this precursory stage of self-love and empowerment, our commitment to another is built on an unstable foundation, instead of one based on self-understanding and love.
“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone – and finding that that’s ok with them.”
The World’s Fastest Honeymoon
Every relationship goes through these phases. However, the more self-aware we become, the faster we shift through them. While the ‘honeymoon phase’ may have lasted a year or two in previous eras, now it may last only a week or two. This means a long relationship is not necessarily a measure of a ‘successful’ relationship, as we have been taught to believe. Instead of trading our partner in, only to repeat the same process with someone else, we must strive to take responsibility for embodying our disowned selves. We do this by acknowledging our partner as our teacher. Their role is to mirror everything we are unable to see and accept in ourselves. However, that doesn’t mean the reflection is a complete mirror image!
We are attracted to our opposite as their energy helps to complement and model how we can become more balanced. This means that they may act out a core wound in the opposite way to us. Our challenge is to focus on the underlying issue and not the symptom; otherwise we simply escalate the drama of opposites.
“When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.”
Women usually leave a relationship emotionally before they leave physically. They do this by shutting down emotionally, if they feel hurt or unappreciated by their partner. When shut down emotionally, women retreat into their heads, becoming increasingly anxious, distant and critical. This is usually when they feel like they have to ‘wear the pants’ and be in their masculine polarity, organising everything, so their capacity to also be in their feminine polarity declines and they resent having to nurture everybody’s needs.
Therefore, women who find they are regularly shutting down from their partners emotionally, must acknowledge there is a need for mutual honesty, transparency and growth. Only in this way will their emotional concerns be heard and addressed. Otherwise, they will continue to shut down in other ways, leading to a complete relationship breakdown.
Men who are not feeling happy in their partnerships often start feeling trapped, confined and resentful of the obligations and responsibilities associated with the partnership. This leads them to withdraw. They may work late, socialise more with their friends, indulge in escapist activities like video games, porn, social media or use substances like drugs and alcohol. Many men leave their partnership physically and mentally without even realising they’ve done so.
Often this occurs when children come along, as an unconscious reaction to the increased responsibility of fatherhood. This is because most men have been under-fathered, with little or no male mentoring, initiation into manhood or introduction to an experience of authentic brotherhood. This leaves them unable to acknowledge their deep insecurities about their own value and abilities as a man. So they respond by trying to get approval for their manhood from their partner or they disassociate and leave the majority of parenting to the other, in case they get it wrong. This sense of separation with their spouse and children continues to widen if they don’t recognise the need for assistance in dealing with their underlying fears and issues.
“Share your weaknesses. Share your hard moments. Share your real side. It’ll either scare away
every fake person in your life or it will inspire them to finally
let go of that mirage called “perfection,” which will open
the doors to the most important relationships
you’ll ever be a part of.”
Before we attract a graceful and symbiotic dance partner, we must revisit the awkward dance of opposites and learn to transcend the karmic patterns that have kept us bound for lifetimes. When we approach life from the perspective of our personality (or EGO-Mind), we have rational expectations about what we need from a relationship in order to feel safe. This is because the ego is ruled by the rational mind. The lower mind is the self-appointed protector who recalls our past hurts, and then anticipates potential problems in an effort to keep us from harm. While this is a helpful function, it can keep us in a hyper-vigilant state of anxiety if our mind dominates. When we make decisions solely to avoid the pain of our past, we limit our future.
In direct contrast, the soul is the deep inner part of our psyche, often referred to as the subconscious mind. It stores the emotional and energetic imprints of our past, manifesting our unconscious expectations as an opportunity to heal and grow beyond them. This means we are continuously attracting events to push our ego beyond its comfort zone so we can fulfill our potential. Our soul does this by choosing people and situations that will trigger our wounds, so we have no choice but to acknowledge our issues and heal them. These beings, with whom we share a sacred contract, are our soulmates.
“He knew me in all the ways that truly mattered:
the shape of my fears, the contours of my dreams.”
Soulmates: Mutually Assist Our Soul's Growth
Everyone we venture into an intimate relationship with is a soulmate, so we usually have more than one. In the old relationship paradigm, where people were expected to find one partner while still in their teens, then marry them for life, people were encouraged to find their one and only soulmate. This is a limiting perspective.
A soulmate is simply someone who our soul recognises as we have a sacred contract with. This means both have agreed, prior to incarnating, to assist each other with their respective life lessons. As well as lovers, they may also show up as friends, colleagues, pets or family members. There is a sense of feeling ‘at home’ with them, or sensing you have a shared destiny – new friends who instantly feel like old friends. Even people who hurt us, are soul mates. Those who we have strong karmic ties with are our soulmates.
“In this story, I am the poet.
You are the poetry.”
New Earth Partnerships Emerging
In the old paradigm, relationships were based on physical attraction and emotional (usually trauma) bonding. New Earth relationships will be based in the heart, in feelings, compassion, connection and mutual respect and support. We will come to realise that the purpose of all relationship, is to “relate” – to share, to support and to nurture from our own sense of abundance and completeness. We will elevate to relationships that are spiritual and heart-based, rather than simply physical and emotional.
Relationships that are deep and meaningful would not have seemed possible before, because of the narrow limitations of the old framework. New Earth partnerships will be light and joyous, with real depth and intimacy, because the partners will be more interested in the connection rather than superficial surface-level interaction.
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.”
It’s All About You (in a good way!)
You need to have a relationship with yourself first, before a loving, sharing, balanced and harmonious connection can be experienced with another. It is a sovereign relationship with all facets of Self. The relationship with your partner is simply a mirror of the type of relationship you are having with yourself. A relationship with self is to bring the outside issues to the inside – looking within instead of focusing on your partner to fill the empty gap within yourself.
A loving connection with another will open the door of self-discovery, without fear of destructive abuse, limitation or disempowerment. You choose to be with your partner simply to enjoy their company. You do not need anything from them and they do not need to feed off or enslave your energy. You do not need to take or share their material possessions, and you don’t have to do anything in order to receive love from each other. You enjoy the relationship without projecting each others fears, baggage, burdens, agendas and attachments on to each other.
“A soulmate is not found. A soul mate is recognised.”
It is partnership that is based on a full recognition – emphasis on full. Full recognition of each other within the context of your individual plans, your own designs, your own missions, your own desires, as well as your joint missions and desires. Demonstrating how you can be in sacred partnership and work together, be together, live together, create together – without the exclusion of community.
Rather than being on high alert, you experience a harmony that is comfortable enough that you can say ‘This does not feel right.’ The same way that, when you are sharing a bed, you say ‘Please move over a little’ which of course you do. It is in this way that you accommodate each other so that the bodies, minds and spirits can meld and come together. Honouring and praise are important – not flattery, which is often false. Praise that says to each other, “I see you. I see how you did that, how you processed that, how you took things into consideration, how you extended yourself to somebody else. I admire that.”
“Love is giving up control. It’s surrendering the desire to control the other person. The two—love and controlling power over the other person—are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all the desires within us to manipulate the relationship.”
Making New Forms of Love Relationships Work
The key to making sacred partnership work is freedom. Complete liberation, and the acknowledgment (not in lip service) of the freedom of the person you are in connection with. Their path, their choices, their desires, their decisions. There is no push and pull. Rather, it is the ebb and flow. It is the infinity. It is the tide.
This is the new way. It’s freedom and liberation and it is pure love. It is the freedom to say to each other, “Is this love? Are these words love? Are these actions love? Are these feelings love? Are they the demonstration of purity and clarity? Do they lift me up even when I am looking at something that perhaps I have avoided, or evaded? Does it elevate me? Does it liberate me because I am free to look at this in a non-threatening manner, not in a way of punishment and brimstone, but because I am cared for and cherished and seen for who I really am?”
“To love everyone unconditionally does not mean to give everyone your unconditional time. Sometimes, to love completely, we must never see someone again. This, too, is love. This is giving someone the freedom to exist and be happy, even if it must be without you.”
New Earth Partnerships are a reflection. We replace judgment with awe, admiration, appreciation, gratitude, and spaciousness. These things are often absent in many old paradigm relationships. It is not ownership to be in partnership. There needs to be room between you so that each can do what you are destined to do, what you choose to do, and what brings you joy.
Together we will start learning how to play with this, so we can slide along that grid and enter into another’s sacred space, our sacred partner’s space. Similarly, we can allow them to slide into ours. We meld in a very new and different way because the fear element is going. Then we take each other’s hands and hearts and we travel throughout the world and play! Play feeds our creation and creativity. How do we live in sacred partnership? We don’t put parameters around what is possible with our connection, and there is a willingness, a determination, a drive to explore it all.
“A beautiful thing happens when we start paying attention to each other. It is by participating more in your relationship that you breathe life into it.”