Step #3 Building Self-Worth

Pure Love is the most powerful force in the Universe. With it, anything is possible. Pure love can heal anything, create anything. The essence of who you truly are is Pure Love.

A drop of Pure Love contains an ocean of transformative power. Unconditional and unlimited, the energy of Pure Love is the highest vibration frequency that we know of, and acts of Pure Love raise the vibration of our entire planet. They set an example for all to follow and aspire to teach compassion, forgiveness, tolerance and peace, and they make life worth living!

“There is an extremely powerful force that, so far, science has not found a formal explanation to. It is a force that includes and governs all others, and is even behind any phenomenon operating in the universe and has not yet been identified by us. This universal force is LOVE. When scientists looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force. Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it. Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others. Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals. For love we live and die. Love is God and God is Love”.

— Albert Einstein

If you are completely ready, then you can take Pure Love easily and blissfully, because it is who you truly are. However, if you’re unprepared for it, when Pure Love cracks open your heart, it can be terrifying! When it drowns your ego, it ‘appears’ to be overwhelming because Pure Love forcibly connects us to All That Is, causing the ego to release any belief in it being ‘better than’ or ‘worse than’ any other. This experience will essentially shed your mental construct of the self – aka ‘Ego Death’.  Ego death can feel scary because it is the ultimate threat to the ego: complete loss of “self,” even if only for a minute. As a defence mechanism, the ego creates super-intense fear.

It is during the shattering of our constructed self-identity that we realise that the ‘I’ is not, in fact, a separate entity. Because of ego death, we become conscious of our connection to All That Is – aka unity consciousness. Ego death culminates in the loss of attachment to our sense of self and the realisation of our true nature. The truth is that the ego can never really “die”. Instead, it can be transcended and made conscious so that it no longer runs our lives (psssst that’s the point).

“I become nothing and find out that I am everything.”

— Jin Y Park

5 Signs You Are Experiencing Ego Death

  1. The Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul is a period of utter spiritual desolation, disconnection, and emptiness when you feel completely lost, hopeless, and consumed with melancholy. The void in your life is highly pronounced. You might label the experience ‘depression’ or ‘anxiety’, and perhaps experience both for a time, along with persistent feelings of being lost and purposeless. You are pushed to ask questions like ‘Who am I?’ and ‘Why am I here?’, ‘What’s it all for?’. You feel something significant and meaningful has to happen, and the despair of not knowing what, or how, feels overwhelming.

  1. Radical Honesty

Proper contemplation must occur in the context of radical honesty. You can no longer lie to yourself about how you feel or tell yourself how you should feel. Meditation helps with the distractions and illusions of the mind, and relaxation is required because tension will not reveal how you feel, only that you are refusing to feel. Relaxation will allow openness and surrender — without these things the pressure of trying to figure everything out simply with tireless thought can easily burn you out, make you feel even more hopeless and fill you up with a sense of dread and overwhelm. You may also suddenly become interested in spiritual stuff – anything that links your existence with the world around you. You might start experimenting with different spiritual practices and find that some alleviate your suffering, such as energy healing, tarot, yoga etc.

  1. Heightened Awareness

Increasingly, you begin to notice how your ego, your thoughts and your social conditioning control you. In addition, you begin to observe your own mind, liberating yourself from the ego’s influence and acknowledging that you are not your thoughts. The hardest part of this process is to face your shadow which contains the repressed parts of yourself such as your fears, desires, traumas, and beliefs. Behind the shadow is the treasure of the underworld. It is guarded by the dragon, but you must go into the belly of this beast. If you turn away it will slowly devour you.

  1. Old Obsessions, Habits, Acquaintances and Friendships Fall Away

This enhanced awareness is accompanied by a painful shedding of previous conceptual frameworks such as an identity, relationship, career, habit or belief system that previously allowed you to construct meaning in your life. As you slowly disconnect from your old identity, conditioning and reality, people, places and things that no longer serve you do not resonate and begin to fall away. Equally, you are having an increasingly difficult time conforming as past illusions lose their control over you.

  1. Awakening

More and more you will start to see the world as it is, rather than what you were taught, or what you would prefer it to be. From a place of calm, you can be honest enough with yourself to rebuild your life in accordance with who you are or who you aspire to be. Guidance from someone who has made this journey can also be invaluable. You’re becoming increasingly aware of the oneness and connection between all things in the Universe. As a result, you begin to no longer feel isolated and separate. You step into your power and start living life on your own terms, knowing that you are a part of the larger whole. You are becoming more of who you truly are – Pure Love.

To navigate this transformational process, we must choose expansion over change. When we feel that we are growing, expanding and transforming from our experiences, we are then ready for Pure Love. Pure Love can come from anyone or anything. Pure Love is always healing because it reconnects us to who we truly are. It is what allows us to know and acknowledge our connection to the Oneness and totality of everything, that we are everything. Surrender is what allows us to integrate Pure Love because, in seeing ourselves as everything, we can see ourselves as overtaken and subsumed but without it we are isolated. When you surrender and let go of resistance, what is discovered is Pure Love. To heal your life, reconnect to that source within.

“It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death.” 

— Eleanor Roosevelt

Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It’s non-negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk. Most depressed people don’t love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is. Through distorted beliefs, the ego-mind reinforces an image that disrupts the mind and body’s natural homoeostasis. Healing signifies a return to wholeness.

The Power of Self-Love

So, you now have the idea that you want to love and you might engage in all possible efforts to love. However, what you may feel is that your heart is still empty! You are probably doing your best to love right now. You intuitively know that you cannot love from your head and that it must be felt in your heart. You cannot pour from an empty cup – you will only end up depleted and resentful. Love must fill your whole heart space, and also your whole body, so that you ARE LOVE.

All things are possible with Pure Love and this starts with self-love as the foundation. You can have the most loving intentions toward someone but, unless they have a spark of self-love to tend within them, their choices will be self-negating. We may speak of self-love but it might as well be in a foreign language for those who have not had this modelled or nurtured. Simply, self-love is making self-honouring choices in every situation. This is the balance between selfish (to the exclusion of other’s needs) or self-sacrificing (dismissing our own needs to meet the needs of others – often to unconsciously gain the approval of others.)

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

— Lucille Ball

We can grow anything from love – huge visions that require the faith and optimism to hold on when all seems lost. Pure Love and Self are one, and the discovery of either is the realisation of both. At the core of your being you are Pure unbounded Love. Any thoughts or beliefs you hold to the contrary distort this truth. When you go to the source of your pain to heal any thoughts of separation, it is there that you will discover your most priceless treasure – the Authentic Self.

The Importance of Self-Love

Self-Love is still widely misunderstood and seldom fully realised because this virtue is literally the core of all growth. Self-love is not a desperate need to be better or more deserving than others. It’s not selfishness or vanity. It’s not conditional on desired outcomes and it’s not an exaggerated sense of importance or classic narcissism.

Unless you are able to surrender and become a living, breathing expression of self-love, it will always feel like there is something missing as you strive towards that place of inner completeness, contentment and peace. It really isn’t possible to have a full and authentic experience of your most sacred life if, on the most fundamental of levels, you are not connected to, and in communication with, your REAL self. Your primary relationship in this lifetime is your relationship to yourself – your real self.

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.”

— Wayne Dyer

If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself. With this understanding firmly established, it becomes easier and more natural for you to recognise the importance of tuning in and trusting yourself first, in every area, relationship and situation in your life.

When you don’t feel fully aligned with your most authentic self, it can be the cause of discomfort, restlessness, frustration and pain. Self-love is, by its very nature, deeply transformational and healing. Self-love is the ingredient that will ultimately underpin the process of re-defining your relationship with yourself and your world.

Oscar Wilde once said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Which means, it’s not a destination but an everyday practice. You are the most important person in your life. It all starts and ends with you. You’re going to be with yourself for eternity so it only makes sense to operate from a place of self-love, rather than self-loathing.

“I couldn’t live with myself any longer. And in this a question arose without an answer: who is the ‘I’ that cannot live with the self? What is the self? I felt drawn into a void. I didn’t know at the time that what really happened was the mind-made self, with its heaviness, its problems, that lives between the unsatisfying past and the fearful future, collapsed. It dissolved.” 

— Eckhart Tolle

It’s up to you, and you alone, to be the hero of your own story. It’s up to you, and you alone, to move beyond the artificial division you’ve created between yourself and the world. The mountain of meaningless you’ve been standing on awaits the flag of your own unique meaning to be planted firmly into it. The love you seek exists within you. Your self-love will increase when you begin to see who you really are, rather than seeing yourself through all the false beliefs and distortions. 

4 Self-Love Techniques

Because you are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your way.

  1. Mind Chatter

Don’t let your mind bully you. The mind is always operating from a place of duality, so to feel inferior or superior is a part of the human condition. Become aware and conscious of how you treat yourself in your own mind. Pay attention to your self-talk and how it makes you feel. Thoughts create things. Discard the demeaning thoughts and direct your mind and actions to positive thoughts and behaviours.

  1. Belief Review

Your reality is a reflection of your strongest belief. Consider your current beliefs and values, and the real motivations behind them. Are they yours? Do they still work for you? Decide what kind of life you want to live, and then say “no” to everything that isn’t it. Life is way too short to spend it at war with yourself.

  1. Romancing You

Nourish yourself daily with healthy activities; good nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy, and healthy social interactions. Make more time for fun, adventure, and relaxation. Almost anything will work again once you unplug it – including you. When you fuel and take care of your body properly, you’ll have optimum energy and vitality to feel good and make excellent choices.

  1. Boundaries B*tch!

Walls keep everybody out while boundaries show them where the door is. You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Identify what is and isn’t good for you and gain the clarity you need to understand what you will and will not accept in your life. Don’t ever tolerate mistreatment. The only people who get upset about you setting and maintaining boundaries are those who are benefiting from you not having them. If their absence brings peace, you didn’t lose them. Bring the right people into your life who reflect your own self-respect and reputation. Live intentionally with purpose and design.

Where’s the Self-Love?

In these challenging and glorious times, when all unresolved issues (perhaps until now deeply hidden in your subconscious mind) are coming to the surface and irrevocably to your attention, you might be confronted with emotions you thought you had dealt with already.

Fear is the root of all of them, even anger and sorrow, sadness and worry. Fear is the core and origin of all negative emotions. It is the root-contraction upon yourself. There are only two states, and they are absolutely incompatible with one another: Love or Fear. Love is expansion, fear is contraction. The very first step in Self-Love is awareness. Ask yourself: ‘does this person, place or situation make me feel expanded or contracted’, then you will know if it’s Love or Fear.

“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”

― Rita Mae Brown

Distorted thought processes can make the practice of self-love difficult. You may have an underlying belief that you are unworthy of love due to a lack of success in your chosen profession. Perhaps you have certain personal characteristics that you perceive to be negative or flawed. Trouble with relationships or friendships may also lead feeling as if you will never experience close friendship or love. This kind of negative repetitive thought programming can have a huge impact on your ability to Self-Love.

Without self-love, you’re likely to be highly self-critical and fall into people-pleasing and perfectionism. You’re more likely to tolerate abuse or mistreatment from others. You may neglect your own needs and feelings because you don’t value yourself. And you may self-sabotage or make decisions that aren’t in your own best interest.

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.”

― Eartha Kitt

Self-love is the foundation that allows us to be assertive, set boundaries and create healthy relationships with others, practice self-care, pursue our interests and goals, and feel proud of who we are.

Demonstrating Self-Love

Often, when things are hard to do, we avoid them. You might notice that you have thoughts like these:

I’ll take a break and focus on myself after I’ve taken care of my family.


My husband/wife wouldn’t understand


I know this relationship isn’t good for me, but… (whatever your excuse is at the time)


I want to be less self-critical, but I don’t know how.


Self-love seems fluffy and self-indulgent


I don’t have time for any of that


I can’t think right now

At its worst, this is self-sabotage. In saying that, initial thoughts of  ambivalence are a part of the process when making any change. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you have to change everything about your life. Simply start. Identify one loving thing you can do for yourself today. Start right now by treating yourself a little better than you did yesterday.

Truly - Madly - Deeply

Imagine someone you are deeply in love with. This is where you start. Begin treating you the way you would treat that person, with compassion, understanding and gentle guidance. With practice, self-love will become second nature. One simple method to begin demonstrating self-love is to get into the habit of speaking to yourself in a positive and supportive way:

I am willing to change

I cross bridges with joy and ease

I enjoy practicing my new mental skills

All my relationships are harmonious

I am deeply fulfilled by all that I do

I deserve the best and I accept the best now

I listen with love to my body’s messages

I am healthy, whole and complete

I move forward, free from the past. I am safe. I am free

I feel safe to be me

Talking to yourself in this way brings your focus and attention to the beauty hidden within you. You’re no longer looking at outside circumstances or people for approval or acknowledgment. You are now lovingly supporting your own self with approval, and that’s one of the most powerful steps you can take toward building your self-worth.

“I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose.”

― Margaret Cho

Do you lack the belief in yourself to rise to the occasion and live your biggest life as the grandest version of yourself? Reality is what you make it. When you immerse yourself in negative news, it becomes difficult to see the bright things in life. That’s why it’s so important to monitor what you watch and hear. Limit your time on social media and carefully choose which other media outlets you pay attention to. Be mindful of the company you keep as well. An anxious person who focuses more on problems than solutions will drag you down. Limit contact with miserable people and keep any conversations you do have upbeat. Be the positive change!

What Does Self-Love Look Like?

Love is a verb. What have you done for you lately?

  1. Choose YOU — even if it means upsetting other people and not being popular anymore.
  1. Speak Your Truth – don’t swallow words that express what you truly feel, think, or want to do.
  1. Listen & Respond to Your Body — giving your body the nurturing, rest, exercise, and comfort it needs to perform for you.
  1. Honour Your Style — wearing clothes that make you feel good and fit your personality rather than wearing clothes which are in fashion that you use to impress others.
  1. Design a Life You Love – stop doing stuff you hate. Pour energy into what you are for.
  1. Put YOU on Your To-Do List — making time to do whatever you love, just to play, without worrying about wasting time.
  1. Own it – acknowledging your inner and outer beauty and complimenting yourself without feeling guilty, arrogant, or entitled.
  1. Stop Beating Yourself Up — not rehashing past mistakes and dragging yourself to a dark place when you know that you cannot change the past, only learn from it.
  1. Disconnect — spending some quality, connected time with you away from TV or the Internet and preferably out in nature.
  1. Discernment — using discretion when sharing your heart, self, and dreams with others.
  1. Follow Your Intuition — following what your heart/gut says instead of living out of your ego-mind.
  1. Integrity — both when it comes to you and also when interacting with others. This includes keeping yourself in check regarding patterns such as lying, manipulating, co-depending, withholding, and pretending.
  1. Imagination — allowing yourself to dream big, without contaminating these dreams with judgments, our perceived limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving.
  1. Honesty — knowing how you’re spending your emotional, mental, financial, and physical energy, and whether these activities bring back joy, connection, nurturing, rest, and creativity into your life.
  1. Victim-free Zone — taking responsibility for all of your experiences. No blaming or ‘poor me’ BS. Knowing that you have the ability for deeper self-awareness and access to your intuition when it comes to making life choices.
  1. Listen to Yourself — stop labelling yourself with other people’s opinions of you, and also having the courage to look inside to see if there might be some truth to them.
  1. Boundaries — learning to set boundaries that protect and nurture your relationship with you as well as others.
  1. Forgiveness — allowing yourself to make mistakes and not berating you for making them. Choosing instead, to appreciate your desire to learn and grow.
  1. Get off Your Knees! — refusing to seek permission or approval to be you. Recognising that you, like everyone else, deserve to take up space on this planet just as you are right now.

And lastly, remember to love and accept yourself – even when you fail miserably at some of these self-love goals. These goals are priceless. No one else can offer these things to you. You have come here to demonstrate this Self-Love. You only can see in others, what you see in yourself. Give yourself the gift of Pure Love and your life will transform.

“So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realisation that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.”

― Alan Watts

Self-Love is the true healing of humanity, the resurrection from the false presumption of slavery and unworthiness. When you truly love yourself, you are the gift that restores humanity. Loving yourself first, grants everyone else honour, appreciation and permission to also love. Self-love is open and honest. It’s the ultimate commitment; to get to know, love and accept yourself as you are. To fully experience life as it happens to you, and to continually seek ways to physically, psychologically, and spiritually grow from these experiences.

True self-love is giving yourself unconditional respect, and appreciation. It’s reminding yourself that you deserve to have all your personal needs met while considering yourself worthy, valuable, and deserving of happiness. It’s fully knowing, no matter what you do or neglect to do, that you’ll always love yourself and be true to who you are — no matter what – because you’re worth it!


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