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Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which a person or entity makes a victim question their reality in order to gain more power. Gaslighting is an insidious, and sometimes covert, type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes the target question their judgment and reality. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, sociopaths, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is executed slowly so the victim does not realise how much they’ve been brainwashed.
People who gaslight other people in their lives may have a psychological disorder called narcissistic personality disorder. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they’re extremely important and that the world revolves around them. They’re completely self-absorbed and don’t have time or interest in others, unless it serves a purpose for them. Everything they do for you has strings attached. They are not empathetic and don’t have the ability, or the slightest interest, to understand what another person is feeling or experiencing.
Narcissists crave attention and praise and can be extremely demanding. They have grandiose views of themselves, their lives, and their futures. Carried away in their own fantasyland, they often use manipulation as a way of achieving their personal goals. Some early red flags someone around you is dangerous to your mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, and potentially physical wellbeing:
“Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else’s behaviour in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.”
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Just to keep things interesting, not everyone with narcissistic tendencies has narcissistic personality disorder, and almost everyone displays narcissistic tendencies at some point. The purpose of this article is to help you identify if you are being gaslit and what you can do about. Because there are often hierarchies of authority and different levels of power in the workplace, it provides the ideal manipulative leverage for gaslighters. A gaslighter who makes their co-worker feel unskilled and mentally off may do so to appear competent in the eyes of the supervisor. Sarkis (2018) describes some workplace gaslighting behaviours such as:
Gaslighting in the workplace results in various problems for victims, such as anxiety, exhaustion, powerlessness, and doubting their perceptions. As workplace gaslighting has the potential to cause a high level of damage at both an individual and organisational level, both employers and staff need to recognise warning signs and take action as soon as possible. Gaslighters are master manipulators. They distract from their behaviour and insults by engaging in even more outrageous behaviour and insults. These people are like Teflon when it comes to avoiding responsibility – nothing sticks. They exude charm and charisma when they know they are about to be reprimanded. This usually results in them walking away without consequences, while you are stuck trying to defend yourself.
Gaslighters are extremely sensitive to rejection. Any perceived slight can throw them into a tailspin. Many times, gaslighters will be out for revenge. One of the most common ways gaslighters attack those who reject them is by subjecting them to public humiliation. Gaslighters will never come out and tell you that they feel hurt by something you said. Instead, they will call you stupid, ungrateful, selfish, lazy or whatever they decide will inflict the most pain. They go for character assassination.
“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They’re emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God’s creations because they don’t show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.”
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When gaslighters are criticised, or if they perceive they have been rejected, it causes a “narcissistic injury.” This causes the gaslighter to respond with “narcissistic rage.” This rage may not look like typical anger. In fact, many gaslighters display narcissistic rage by being quietly demeaning and threatening, with smiles on their faces. This is especially the case if they are attacking someone in public. Public image is everything to gaslighters, and the last thing they want is to look bad in front of others.
You may find that when you work with or for a gaslighter, compliments are hard to come by. However, once in a while, just once in a while, the gaslighter will give you something that appears like a compliment. However, it is anything but. Gaslighters can never fully compliment someone unless there is an insult tied to it. In broad terms, it’s sometimes known as a “backhanded compliment.” An example would be, “I like your dress, it almost fits you.” The compliment-insult, first sets you up, trusting the person ever so slightly. He’s saying something nice to me, you think. We’re making progress. However, just when you start trusting, the gaslighter hits you with the insult. The insult is letting you know where you stand with him. He feels you are beneath him.
“Some people will label you as vindictive, unforgiving or even evil for not
allowing them to hurt you, yet again.”
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Because gaslighting is a pattern of undermining behaviour by the abuser, he or she is usually a talented manipulator of language, twisting any problem between them into being the victim’s fault or accusing the victim of being “too sensitive” or, ironically, manipulative. Often this is coupled with non-verbal dismissive behaviour (eye-rolling, an exasperated sigh, a look of disbelief, etc.) that implies that the victim is stupid or irrational. Intermittent or simultaneous expressions of love-bombing, friendship and/or concern throw the victim into confusion.
It is the persistent pattern of this particular behaviour that is so damaging. It can be so gradual and insidious that the victim doesn’t realise it’s happening unless and until there is a crisis of some kind. Over time, the victim begins to question their own intelligence, accuracy of recall, or even sanity. Make no mistake. Gaslighting is not about love or concern. It’s about power and control. A gaslighter is someone who needs to feel superior and who manipulates people to further their own agenda. The techniques of gaslighting are cleverly designed to make it hard for victims to recognise. In most cases, the gaslighter purposely creates situations that allow them to hide the truth from the victim.
You know it’s an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie to your face with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they’re setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you’re not sure if anything else they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal.
You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they flat out deny it. This makes you start questioning your reality – maybe they did not say they’d do that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.
They know how important that project is to you, and they know how important your identity is to you. So those will be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will often say you’d be a worthy person if only you didn’t have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being.
4. They wear you down over time.
This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting – it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often…and then they start ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting. Yes, it’s that effective. It’s the “frog in the pot” analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realises what is happening until it is boiled alive.
5. Their actions do not match their words.
When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just empty talk. What they are doing is the issue.
The person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don’t have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, “Well maybe they aren’t so bad.” Yes, they are! This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter – and again, to question your reality. Look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.
7. They know confusion weakens people.
Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you live in a constant state of confusion so that you question everything. It is human nature to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable – and that just happens to be the gaslighter.
They are a thief, drug user or a cheater, yet they constantly accuse you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself. Pssst this is the point so you are distracted from the gaslighter’s behaviour.
Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and then they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, “This person knows that you’re not right,” or “This person knows you’re useless too.” Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic, it makes you feel like you don’t know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter which is exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.
Gaslighters spread rumors and gossip about you to others. They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or crazy. Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective and many people side with the abuser or bully without knowing the full story. It’s also one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it’s dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It’s a master technique. Additionally, the gaslighter may lie to you and tell you that other people think you are crazy. These people may never say a bad thing about you, but the gaslighter will make every attempt to get you to believe they think less of you so that you think reaching out would be futile.
By telling you that everyone else (your family, your co-workers, your friends) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You’ve never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It’s a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the “correct” information – which isn’t correct information at all. They are lying to you!
Trivialising your emotions allows the gaslighter to gain power over you. They might make statements like: “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” or “Why are you so sensitive?” All of these statements minimise how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking and communicate that you are wrong. When you deal with someone who never acknowledges your thoughts, your feelings, or your beliefs, you will begin to question them yourself. What’s more, you never feel validated or understood, which can be extremely difficult to cope with.
Blame-shifting is another common tactic of gaslighters. Every discussion you have is somehow twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred. Even when you try to discuss how their behaviour makes you feel, they’re able to twist the conversation and end up blaming you. In other words, they manipulate the situation in such a way that you end up believing that you are the cause for their bad behaviour. They claim that if only you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way that they do.
“If you alter your behaviour because you are frightened of
how your partner will react, you are being abused.”
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The gaslighter seeks to dominate and control you, ensuring your compliance as a reliable source of supply. Securing this submissive state occurs through the process of breaking down your spirit (a.k.a. gaslighting). Repeatedly denying the reality of their actions and behaviours, and yours, achieves your disorientation. This coupled with reiterated devaluation statements (e.g.: ‘you seem to ‘remember’ things that never happened’, ‘this wouldn’t have happened if you did it the right way’), causes you to start questioning yourself. As the erosion of abuse wears you down, eventually you are unable to trust yourself. This increases your reliance on the gaslighter for ‘reality checking’. And bingo! The gaslighter becomes the author of your reality.
After communicating with the gaslighter, you are left feeling dazed and wondering what is wrong with you. The only way you can describe how you feel is that you feel minimised. You feel crushed and smothered. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself; your feelings, your perceptions, your memories, and a small, suffocated part inside of you wonders whether you are actually going crazy. You also feel neurotic, you feel hyper-sensitive and you feel an overwhelming sense of alienation. Being subjected to gaslighting can cause anxiety and depression. It also has been linked to panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. For this reason, it is important to recognise when you are experiencing gaslighting. Ask yourself if any of the following statements ring true.
Although you may be suffering from symptoms of narcissistic abuse, you may even feel a bit like a zombie, you are no fool. Somewhere within you, the truth of the abuse is trying to work its way to the surface. This is causing an internal tug of war known as cognitive dissonance. It is the product of simultaneously knowing the truth of your abuse and denying it in order to survive. It’s time to ditch this approach to survival. It is officially maladaptive when your spirit does indeed begin to break. The antidote to gaslighting is to embrace the voice of truth struggling to be heard. Doing so enables you to once again become the empowered author of your reality.
“Emotional abuse can leave a victim feeling like a shell of a person, separated from the true essence of who they naturally are. It also leads to a victim feeling tormented and tortured by their own emotions.”
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An empath is a person who is highly sensitive to the energy of others. Empaths are known as energy sponges because they absorb the emotional pain of those around them. As a result, empaths tend to be highly self-sacrificing in an attempt to make everyone else’s lives better.
When it comes to gaslighting, empaths are easy targets because they often struggle to differentiate themselves from their abusers. In other words, while they are highly intuitive and perceptive people, empaths often lack personal boundaries and struggle to say “no.” And no boundaries = perfect prey for narcissistic gaslighting techniques!
Empaths often have an important life purpose of helping others and making a difference. They are greatly needed in the world at this time. However, the damage from abuse can block them from actualising their purpose. It is in healing from abuse that many empaths discover their gifts and live their purpose.
“Lies require noise and misdirection to blend in, silence is the best way
to draw the truth to the surface.”
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It is not okay for someone you like to treat you badly and then pretend it didn’t happen, making you question your own grasp on reality. So what can you do if an abuser shifts the focus of the blame from their bad behaviour onto you, the victim?
Gaslighting only works when a victim isn’t aware of what’s going on. Once you become alert to the pattern, it will not affect you as much. You may be able to say to yourself, “Here we go again” and shrug it off.
2. Keep in mind that the gaslighting isn’t about you.
It’s about the gaslighter’s need for control and power. Often the gaslighter is a very insecure human being. In order to feel “equal”, they need to feel superior. In order to feel safe, they need to feel they have the upper hand. They most likely have few other coping skills or other ways to negotiate differences. That does not excuse the behaviour. Never ever sacrifice yourself for another person.
3. Be aware that you are unlikely to be able to change the gaslighter.
Gaslighting is the only way gaslighters know to manage their world. For that reason, they are not likely to respond to rational appeals to change. It usually requires intensive therapy, done willingly, for a gaslighter to give it up.
4. Rethink whether the relationship is worth putting up with the constant attempts to chip away at your self-esteem.
If the gaslighter is your boss or supervisor, start looking for another job. If the person is a family member or friend, consider how to put some distance between you. If it’s a significant other and you want to preserve the relationship, you will probably need to insist on couple’s counselling.
5. Develop your own support system.
You need other people in your life who can confirm your reality and worth. Gaslighters often attempt to isolate their victims in order to stay in control. They further manipulate their victims by repeatedly telling them that they are the only person who can help them and understand them. Do Not Buy into this BS. Spend time with friends and family. Check out your perceptions by talking to other people who witnessed what the gaslighter is calling into question.
6. Work on rebuilding your self-esteem.
Remind yourself that you are an intelligent, loving and capable person, regardless of the opinion of the gaslighter. Regain perspective by reminding yourself of other times in your life when you have felt grounded, sane, and generally good about yourself. It may be helpful to keep a private journal in which you document events that the gaslighter is likely to contest. Record positive experiences and affirmations of your own worth as well.
7. Maintain healthy boundaries.
The gaslighter will use this opportunity to use guilt or coercion to get you to apologise. The only people who get upset when you start to set boundaries are those who benefited from you not having them. Know that the gaslighter will be upset about you maintaining a healthy distance and good boundaries – and you never need to apologise for that. Ever.
8. Never let a gaslighter see you sweat over something they did to retaliate.
They feed off knowing they got to you. While it’s perfectly reasonable to feel anger or frustration over being treated poorly by the gaslighter, refrain from trying to “beat them at their own game.” Gaslighters are masters at manipulation, and not only will you not out-manipulate them, but you may also feel you have betrayed your own sense of morals and decency.
9. Get professional help if you need it.
Victims often lose confidence in their own thoughts and feelings and find themselves nervously double-checking themselves on a regular basis. Sometimes they sink into the depressive feelings of being helpless and hopeless. If you recognise yourself in this paragraph, seek professional help to dig your way back out of the devastating effects of gaslighting.
10. One of the best tactics is to avoid the gaslighter as much as possible.
This can be difficult in a work environment where you are on a team, or when the narcissist is your direct supervisor. Note what kind of toll the gaslighter is taking on your emotional and physical health. While you may feel that an insult here and there is not an issue, there is a cumulative effect. Beware: the gaslighter usually starts upping the ante if you don’t respond. They usually initiate a smear campaign, making sure they have an audience when they ridicule you. Gaslighters love attention, and when you don’t give it to them, they act out. If you are fed up with being disrespected, you may need to find another project/job/friend. While that is not fair to you, you also need to consider your health, and the amount of frustration and stress this person’s behaviour has caused you.
“Remember, someone that does something bad to you, will always try to control the narrative, and they generally get out there first and spin the story to anyone who will listen. I always like to watch the quiet one. You are not alone.”
― M
Healing from gaslighting abuse begins with awareness, focus, breathing, discernment, and letting go. Abused individuals tend to look to others to confirm their perceptions. They have been conditioned and brainwashed to ask others to make decisions for them. Deep healing happens when they look within for their answers from their higher self.
Self-Awareness.
Becoming aware of how you are being gaslit, and how you may have internalised the abuse is key. This will initiate the process of healing. Any self-talk that creates doubt, confusion, and undermines your self-perceptions with labels like “silly” “stupid” or “crazy” is internalised gaslighting. As soon as you hear these words, replace them with “I believe in you”, “I’ve got this” and think in terms of how you can best support and help yourself.
Focus.
Imagine a classroom full of unruly kids who are yelling out answers to questions, hurling insults at each other, throwing paper airplanes and spit balls. But in the back of the room is a quiet child who knows the answer. Your job is to tune out the inner loud voices that are shouting “You aren’t enough” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about” or “You can’t do it” and zero in on that small voice within you that speaks wisdom. Know this: What you focus on will grow. The more you withdraw your focus from the low vibe voices, the more they will fade. The more you focus on the wise, higher-self voice within, the more it will grow – giving you direction and support in your life.
Breathing.
Gaslighting creates a state of confusion and disorientation because it energetically disrupts your orientation to self. It un-grounds and un-centres you in an attempt to keep you off balance. If you are flooded with negative thoughts and emotions and feel confused, know that you do not have to figure it out. You don’t have to make sense of your abuser’s behaviour or reaction, or make sense of your inner abusive voice. Analysing just pulls you out of your heart and into your head, perpetuating the un-grounded state. Bring yourself back in your centre by breathing into your heart space.
Inhaling deeply may not always calm you down. Taking a deep breath in is actually linked to the sympathetic nervous system, which controls the fight-or-flight response. But exhaling is linked to the parasympathetic nervous system, which influences our body’s ability to relax and calm down. Before you take a big, deep breath, try a thorough exhale instead. Push all the air out of your lungs, then simply let your lungs do their work inhaling air. Next, try spending a little bit longer exhaling than you do inhaling.
To activate your heart space, begin Equal Breathing. This form of breathing stems from the ancient practice of pranayama yoga. This means you’re inhaling for the same amount of time as you’re exhaling. Shut your eyes and bring attention to your breath. Slowly count 1-2-3-4 as you inhale through your nose. Exhale for the same four-second count. Now imagine the Pure Element 5 green colour as you move the breath in and out of your heart space – in through the front and out through the back. Breathe in through the back and out through the front. Think of your favourite thing and hold the feeling of that thing for at least 17 seconds. Complete this practise by acknowledging ‘I am safe’. You’ll be a zen master in no time!
Safety.
If you are being gaslit, get to a safe environment. This may be as simple as just going to another room. Find a place where you can be alone and begin to tune in to the wisdom of your own heart. The best place to do this is outside where you can become more grounded and clear. Nature will help you recover and balance your energy. You do not have to be around people who are narcissistic and abusive. You deserve to have loving, supportive people in your life.
Discernment.
If you get confused as to what to listen to, here’s a simple litmus test: Any inner voice, or any outer voice that makes you feel bad, creates doubt, instills fear, etc is coming from the lower self. Any inner or outer voice that makes you feel supported, and is loving, wise and empowering is a higher-self voice.
Let Go.
Let go of your need for others to approve of you and to see the truth of who you are. When you need someone to approve of you – you hand them your power. Deep down, you know who you are and it is very confusing for a gaslighter to contradict that truth. Narcissists are simply not capable, or not willing to reflect back another’s worth in relationship. For an empath, that is likely to never make sense! Disengage from defensiveness. Agree to disagree with your gaslighter’s opinion by repeating statements such as, “I see things differently.” This will keep you in your power even while your gaslighter self-destructs.
“Changed behaviour is the only apology, otherwise, it’s just manipulation.”
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No matter which way you look at it, gaslighting is a malicious act. It aims to degrade the victim’s mind in such a way as to make them vulnerable to control and suggestion. It can only be described as a weapon because it causes so much psychological and emotional damage. It is a clear form of psychological abuse and a violation of the victim’s love and respect.
Part of the reason why gaslighters get away with their bad behaviour is that they build strong relationships with those in power. This means that they are deeply trusted, and they can get rid of people who threaten them. They are smart, ruthless, charismatic and are so convincing that others are blind to their manipulation. If you become a target, it’s almost impossible to survive in that environment. There’s a difference between a tough boss and a gaslighting supervisor, so be able to tell the difference. A strict manager will give you feedback to help you succeed. A gaslighter doesn’t want you to thrive so they will sabotage your efforts and insult you along the way.
If you are being gaslit in the workplace, document every interaction including dates, times and quotes, and do it on your personal device, not one that is company-owned. First, get out of that environment. If you don’t, you will question yourself and lose your confidence, which takes an emotional toll. Loss of sleep, anxiety, depression and questioning your own sanity can trigger nervous breakdowns. If you are dealing with a gaslighter, any comments about how you aren’t bright enough to understand should make you examine facts and any accompanying documents even more intensely. Gaslighters usually criticise your intelligence or sanity when they have something to hide.
“Everyone loses their class when they travel through hell, but only a few will regain it if they remain humble and accept the part they played in their own misery.”
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