Friday Fodder – Imperfection

Once upon a time…

On his 36th birthday, after spending his entire adult life loosely dating a string of different women, he finally decided he was ready to settle down.  He wanted to find a real connection… a lover… a life partner. Someone who could match him mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Someone who simply ‘got him’. Someone he could be in a deep, trusting, and harmonious relationship with.

He searched high and low, far and wide. There were so many women to choose from, all with a range of great qualities, but none had everything he was looking for. Finally, just when he thought he would never find her, he found her!  And she was perfect. She had everything he wanted in a woman. He felt so alive – so enamoured – because he knew how rare a find she was. “I’ve done my research,” he told her. “You are the one for me.”

As the days and weeks turned into months and years, he started to realise that she was far from perfect. She had issues with trust and self-confidence, and she would lay awake for hours worrying about stuff that was happening at work. She liked to be silly when he wanted to be serious, and she was so much messier than he was. He began to have doubts … doubts about her, doubts about himself, doubts about everything.

To validate these doubts, he subconsciously tested her. He constantly looked around their apartment for things that weren’t clean just to prove that she was messy. He decided to go out alone to parties with his single guy friends just to prove that she had trust issues. He set her up and waited for her to do something silly just to prove she couldn’t be serious.

This went on for a while.

As the tests continued, she became more and more confused, and consequently failed more often. He became more convinced that he had made a mistake and that she was not a perfect fit for him after all. He had clearly dated women in the past who were more mature, more confident, and more willing to have serious conversations.

Inevitably, he found himself at a crossroads.  Should he continue to be in a relationship with a woman he once thought of as perfect, but now realised lacked the qualities that he had already found in other women who came before her? Or should he return to the lifestyle he had come from, drifting from one empty relationship to the next?

Desperately searching for answers, he enrolled in Path to Personal Power and it was there, as many often do, that he had an epiphany! He realised that society had ingrained the idea of a perfect relationship in his mind, resulting in him continuously feeling skeptical. He identified that he tended to run from all kinds of relationships at the first sign of trouble. This running was towards an unachievable idea which was nothing more than an illusion.

He discovered that in order to have depth, humans need reality. Real emotions, real feelings, real love. Not perfect love. Genuine emotions and their genuine and free expression make a relationship real. He thought about a seemingly ‘perfect’, static relationship where neither one could grow. That would mean they were stuck in some version of artificial bliss – pretending. That was the moment his mind expanded, never to return to its previous dimensions again.

He accepted that, to have a loving relationship, he would not be able to have things his way all the time. He thought about ways he could be flexible, specifically about the when, where, and how. When does it not really matter if she’s not as serious? Where is it OK for her to be a little messy? How will we handle things when we disappoint each other when we’re too busy?

When he let go of the cultural fantasy of perfection, he made room for the perfect imperfection of healthy, loving relationships of all kinds to blossom all around him. He discovered that in loving what is inherently human – in all of its irritating foibles, quirks, and silly jokes – that he softened his walls of fear and judgment. One by one the walls designed to keep others at a safe distance began to dissolve. And it was then that he finally learned what it really means to love.

“But life isn’t something that should be edited. Life shouldn’t be cut. The only way you’ll ever discover what it truly means to be alive and human is by sharing the full experience of what it means to be human and each blemish and freckle that comes with it.”
― Iain Thomas

Moral of the Story:

No two snowflakes are exactly the same. Each snowflake takes the perfect form for maximum efficiency and effectiveness of its journey. While the universal force of gravity gives them a shared destination, the expansive space in the air gives each snowflake the opportunity to take their own path. Along this gravity-driven journey, some snowflakes collide and damage each other, some collide and join together. There are many transitions and changes that take place along the journey of a snowflake. No matter the transition, the snowflake always finds itself perfectly shaped for its journey. We, too, are all headed in the same direction. We are being driven by a universal force to the same destination. We sometimes bump into each other, we cross paths, and we become altered. At all times we too are 100% perfectly imperfect. At every given moment we are absolutely perfect for what is required for our journey.

One of the greatest life lessons we learn is that we are often magnetically attracted to the bright light in another person.  Initially, this light is all we can see.  It’s so bright and beautiful, and captivating. After a while, as our eyes adjust, we notice this light is accompanied by a shadow. The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. When we see this shadow, we have two choices: we can run from it and continue searching for a shadow-less light. If we decide to run from the shadow, we must also run from the light that created it. Soon we find out that our light is the only light illuminating the space around us. Then, at some point, as we look closer at our own light, we notice that our light is casting a shadow too.  Our shadow is often bigger and darker than some of the other shadows we’ve seen. If, on the other hand, instead of running from the shadow, we decide to walk towards it, something amazing happens. We inadvertently cast our own light on the shadow, and the light that created this shadow casts its light on ours. We see the shadow for what it really is, the hurt and unhealed parts of us we have hidden. Gradually, as the shadows are brought to light, they begin to disappear. As a result, we find more of that bright beautiful light in each other.

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.”
― C.G. Jung

Affirmation: I am loved, cherished and taken care of.

I focus on the good things in my relationship. I am flexible and patient with my partner and I look for ways to be supportive. I accept that I don’t have to do anything to be loved and happy. I communicate in a loving way with my partner. I respect and appreciate my partner deeply. I can comfortably express my needs and feelings. I support my partner’s goals and dreams. I am free to be my authentic self in my relationship. I am in a secure and loving relationship. I give and receive love freely and joyfully. I attract relationships to me that are for the highest good of all. I accept that I am loved and treasured for who I really am. I give and receive love freely and fully in all my relationships. I love being supported by my friends, family, and relationships. I feel safe and secure with my partner. I adore being loved and wanted by my partner. I am infinitely loved.

“We ruin what we have by trying to make it perfect.

Enjoy the imperfectness.”

― Sarvesh Jain


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